Friday, July 10, 2015
A 6 by 5 space in a high rise building in Delhi. The sky outside is overcast with cumulonimbus rolling over marking the beginning of the end of the summers which means that everyone now should brace up for the wetness that will preside for the coming months.
I, deskbound in this burrowed 6 by 5 space, is desolated and depressed. May be this mood has something to do with the changing weather. Dark Clouds, dark though, darkness within and extremely bored with the normalcy that has set in life and yet too scared to let go the illusion of a comfort zone that has been framed with in my mind as a so called perspective of current external and internal situation.
Currently I have no faith in anything in this world. You name it I will blame it. I mean I can blame everything including me to such an extent that people often become sore with me and that includes me to, but well I guess that’s just an occasional outburst resulting due to excessive and compulsive self-retrospection.
I like to be abstract and except world to understand what I am trying to communicate, whereas at times I myself forget that communication means clarity from both side.
Yet I like talking in riddles and puzzles except if you expect me to decipher one of yours I am better of sketching lies in that case.
I would often build a card house spending hours, labouring with my last level of concentration and patience, just to see kick it and destroy it at the end.
It gives me the greatest gratification. I mean, it is the only time I feel like god. Don’t get me wrong by thinking that I am an anarchist.
No I am not.
I would like to point out this behaviour as a pointer of right to create and right be obliterate your own creation.
What is a card house?
A card house is nothing but a differtial arrangement of cards in such a manner that it ends up stacking in a very aesthetic manner.
However, it is more worthless than cowshit. I mean you can at least use that for fuel or biogas but what use is a card house to any one including the one who build it.
I often used to build card houses from childhood days and used to take great pride once it was over. But the next moment that huge urge to destroy it would surge in my veins and I felt a deep desire to destroy the same. This desire is somewhat like the desire of drug addict in withdrawal.
So the instantaneous pride has to be followed by the absolute gratification and that gratification came from destroying my own creation.
I often wonder whether this abrasion in behavarioul outlook is only in me or others also have such traits in their though process also.
It was only during Vipassana I got a bit of insight on certain perspective related to this and my mind.
I loved taking huge credit from myself on completing a card house. I used to attach myself, my all existence, my pride, my exuberance with the preparation of that card house.
Deep inside my soul would become impaired when it witnesses me becoming happy due to my accomplishment. An accomplishment which was void.
The soul would wonder why I would rejoice after making something worthless. Is it just because I put a lot of effort to make it?
The soul knew that everyone in this world has the capability to make it but why am I in that instance beaming with pride on achieving something so trivial.
Then there would be a huge mismatch between my feeling and my souls feeling and then a contradiction would crop up in me.
A huge desire, which is perhaps my souls desire to get rid of the illusion that I have created. To be free of my own illusion that I have created something.
So I guess, the greatest gratification comes when I destroy the card house. It is a gratification of letting go of what was never there but only a perspective in my head