Friday, December 15, 2006
ITS WINTER AND I AM COLD
With sincere regards to all lover boys and Romeos and the Casanovas of this world, this is just to say that I don’t want or rather I cant be like u all. What to do, for I am not the hunk or the dandies who can rule the world or rule on someone’s heart. The red heart pumping and thumping for some Venusians. Well to start with I am a crazy junkie, so much that the amount of impurity in my body had tarnished the blood stream. Now this poor little heart is over loaded with the task of pumping for about 72 times in a minutes which is really so hard for it. Sometimes my heart is so tired of this task that it starts complaining to me and I have to bribe it to go on. No the blood in my body is no longer red but must have turned into pale blue with the amount of poison and narcotics that’s present inside it. What to do. I really don’t know why I went for dope. I have a very loving and caring mom and an equally nice father. But something was wrong somewhere. Where? I donno. I can feel it . I can sense it . but I cant just put my eyes on it. Just where. Where did I screw up. But yes all apologies to all my well wishers. I am the one to be blamed for this state I am in and I am responsible. None of u have nothing to do with it and its all my fault….but then again I am repenting so don’t get me wrong. I am just sad that this life style of mine can hurt my family very much which I don’t really want…..seriously.
Then again when I sit back and think then some thought comes to my mind. Am I capable of loving any one. Firstly am I capable of loving my mom or dad or mita or any one…..
Sometimes I feel that I have lost my feelings and wish to end all my wishes but it’s sometimes. Then hope is there as an anchor which has kept this fleeting life from flowing away with the tide of clemency.
Then shall I resign or shall I hold on? Well I am afraid to resign. Yes that’s true and I am tired to hold on so now it’s a matter of time before any of the two choices becomes a preference over the other. Who cares…….
Am I depressed ? NO.
Am I sad? Well I always had been so it doesn’t makes a difference coz it never made.
Well the state of mind is in numb….and I am loosing my interest. Imagination is giving me slip and creativity has lost its clarity.
Where do I go now…..i don’t have a savior coz god has abandoned me a long time back and so I don’t like to knock at her door. Devil, well hes boring. I lost to god and devil at the same time and none of them want me….where do I go now…?
Possibilities are plastic and dreams are ceramic..
Theres a big identity crisis. Who am i. a loner or a manic? Sometimes I think about why.
Why me? Why my family? One thing that’s very clear now is that perhaps the decision that mita banerjee took was justified. Or I have justified it. Yes I am not worth it. Do I sound like a looser?
I am . I lost to much to make things an issue now.
I am numb and dumb…the guitars crying …coz I am not paying much attention to her…but why?
Can anyone tell me how to end this?
I am not a king
But till date I have never been ruled
People have a misconception about me and that breaks when they try to bind me