To start with I am back to ground zero where again I have stopped appreciating things. I mean I have a job, I am earning good enough for me and my family but I am not happy. I mean it’s been so long I have had a hearty laugh without having to think what happens tomorrow. The whole thing is a sell out baby and now I am fading out. God NGO as well as corporate life sucks and sucks real bad and the worst part is people get used to it and the way I am getting used to it. I mean hell why...........Maybe you get too much of something you don’t want and that suffocates you and that is what has happened to me. Maybe I am too scared to take the first step to break my own cage and maybe I want to play it safe. Thing is when I see you all I donno how you live a life so fucking regular, so fucking predictable, so fucking absolute and you know I am fucking jealous of you all coz no matter what you all have time to plan for your self and I don’t. I mean here I am licking the boots of the dirty, filthy lazy government assholes and then the only time I get is the time when I travel from one place to another.
My music, my sketching, my plans go out of the ceiling once I am engrossed into my job while I see my seniors ( well most of them except one) delegating things to us. I mean what kind of assholes they are when they call themselves Leaders. Fuck no way any corporate house can make a leader....Humankind is not that advance to take the place of God to make leaders. They are only born. Frankly once very simple way of defining a leader is one who will work/lead from the front and will have a cause. Others see them fight and jump in to the leaders cause. A Manager is one who will make other jump into the fire to do all the dirty work and once the fire has consumed all the other, the manager remains to rant on and take all their credit to his/ her name. You all decide which one you want.
As they say there are two types of people in the world, Most of them who talk and few who do. I mean in the name of leadership I am watching people do some serious stuff which is not supposed to happen. But then frankly speaking that’s nature eh. The big fish in the sea eats the small fish and the big fish is in turn eaten away by another bigger fish. Gods a pretty dramatic asshole frankly if she has really created this universe like this but then again the greatest mistake of God is humankind. I mean look at us, the highest in the freaking food chain, acting demi god of the earth and look how we breed like ants and cockroaches. The malignancy and the dramatic enthusiasm to produce more of our own kind and then feed them to fight against their own kind. Man I have issue with too many thing and I am clearly not sure why or what but somehow the whole idea of one person cheating another person, one person not valuing another’s feelings or needs or wants makes me very angry. I donno but somehow I have so much of anger build over time that I am very unsure how I will react the day it will erupt. The worst part is I am not sure what to do with my life except the fact that I want the 10 things happen in my life and somehow I am selfish to the extend that it happens fast so that I can die fast.
I mean when I look back to see my parents I find them in peace. My dad struggled a lot, and by lot it means a lot for an orphaned poor farmer boy, who has to bear loads to pay of his school fees to pull a fight against all the odds and come to the place where he is now. I mean I got so much in my childhood I am fucking impossible and I don’t value anything. I got everything in life, like most of us, I had a great childhood but somehow I have grown up to be fucking self centered asshole and now I am not also fucking sure why I cant smile when I am supposed to smile. But when I look back I see my father do what he wanted to do. He broke out of poverty, he broke out of the chain coz he wanted something different. Other of his friends are still there, the way they were so yeah he did something different. Why am I so scared to break out?? Is it coz my ideas, my wants doesn’t go parallel with my parents?? Rest of the world I don’t even give a shit coz I know at the very core you all are as filthy as I am.
Monday, February 14, 2011