Monday, September 28, 2009

Dashami

Durga puja means a lot to me but if you ask me why or how I wont be able to answer you much. The simple fact is the period before durga puja is much exciting...everyone waits for it, thiers a thrill of anticipations and expectations and that charm that within a few days Puja will start. But once saptami is there somehow the days just fly by and without much prior warning you reach dashami and suddenly you relaise there was soo much you have planned during this puja and basically none is fulfilled.....or in other words perhaps the satisfaction from this vacation is not overwhelming or somethng is this kind. Basically in dashami i always feel kinda left out and down casted just because the fact that another puja and another year s gone by, and I am still in the same cross road where I have been perhaps 6 years from now. Not sure what to do, not sure if I am having fun in life and not sure which road i must take up if I must have fun in life coz I personally think that not having fun in life is a crime.....kinda road block in the way to nirvana

Sometimes I do wonder if the charm of durga puja has all wiped out of my system....sometimes I wonder if it was so then why I feel lot during the dashami's of durga puja....does that mean i am too pessimist now a days..........well I dont spend durga puja in any special manner but when its time to let go....i find it hard...

everytime i loose a year i am so fucking sad....see I manged to waste 27 years of my life doing nothing but aging............a point that keeps eating me that I am heading towards the same life that most of us lead....have a job, get married, have sex, have kids, read midlife, hit mid life crisis, then join a laughing club.........but the whole point is I dont know and understand the fact that how can I force myself into laughing when I dont feel like laughing......I mean whts the use. As if I am a robotic animation working in symetry of this world....hell...seriously dont want this.
Sometime I wish if i had anything to hold on to...anything to die for....a cause a reason and ambition.....I think i have been a drifter my whole life leaving out like a parasite holding on to anything and everything that life has offered me and never made clear choices....never let go ...
well am i being materialist.....i may be but somehow i think i am just screwed in head.....
at least my present job has kept me happy somehow......

ny way thing is today is dashami and i am kinda low.....so perhaps this is just a momentary lasp of my sanity.....but still sometimes i think i have been too hard on my life like everyone who also has been too hard on my life ....but ny way life s aint sunshine and rainbow so .....hopefully with time i will find my secret ingredient of happiness in life.......(man seems so kiddish )

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